


I know who you want (and it isn't me)

by HavenRyder



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: M/M, Pining, Possibly Unrequited Love, Season/Series 07, friendly teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-07-04 03:34:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15832926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HavenRyder/pseuds/HavenRyder
Summary: James falls for Keith. He might be a brilliant pilot, but he can't help crashing when it comes to love.





	I know who you want (and it isn't me)

**Author's Note:**

> Season 7 gave me a lot of feels, especially since there was so many _meaningful gazes_ exchanged by Keith and James but no actual interaction. I felt that Keith certainly could have some level of attraction to James, but ultimately, Shiro would always come first.

It’s been almost five years since the last time they met, but in no universe could James have possibly forgotten that smirk.

His features aren’t all that different, but the expression is light years apart. Gone is the arrogant façade of a boy wronged by the world; it's been replaced with the equanimous confidence of a man who has proven himself in battle. Keith Kogane - prodigy pilot, protégé of Takashi Shirogane and now the Black Paladin of Voltron - shakes hands with Commander Iverson. The last time James saw them interact, they were recalcitrant cadet and strict disciplinarian, but now the gravity of the war has made them allies. _I’ve really seen everything_ , James thinks.

Then, Keith turns and locks eyes with James, and the world spins and re-orients itself. James yanks off the helmet that is suddenly too warm, too stuffy, too suffocating, and tries to say something. He could ask about the scar and the wolf and Voltron, or apologize for what happened when they were recruits, or make a quip about how he’s received no thanks for saving the Paladins from an army of drones, or offer some meaningless platitude about there being hope for humanity. Yet, none of those seem appropriate in this context. Despite his history of topping the class, James had never been very good when it came to connecting with people. So, he takes the coward’s route and leaves, before either Keith or himself can say something that they’ll both regret.

His sudden exit doesn’t go unnoticed, despite his delusions that he was being sneaky; nothing escapes Leifsdottir’s seemingly omnipresent gaze. “Griffin displayed a level of uncertainty, distress and general arousal at least one-point-five standard deviations above his norm,” she declares later, when the MFE pilots have regrouped in the lounge, “this is strong evidence indicating the presence of personal emotions towards the Paladin Keith Kogane.”

Rizavi starts giggling and eventually descends into full out guffaws. Even Kincade chuckles under his breath. Rolling his eyes and storming off would be unbecoming of an officer of the Galaxy Garrison and leader of the MFE pilots, so James manages to prevent himself from doing that. Barely. “I’ve said some things to him in the past that are frankly inexcusable, and I wanted to apologize,” he attempts to explain, but it feels feeble even to him. He might have more luck convincing the Galra to leave Earth alone.

“We’ve all heard about the punching incident,” Rizavi drawls, “that was years ago. I’m not sure he even remembers. Just admit it, Griffin, you have a crush on this guy.”

“A crush? You’re making me sound like a first-year cadet,” James grouses, “Okay, maybe I find him attractive. Doesn’t have to mean anything.”

“ _James has a crush, James has a crush_ ”, Rivavi repeats in a sing-song voice that makes James question if _she’s_ the first-year cadet.

“Just leave it alone guys, we have a war to fight,” James snaps. He might as well be talking to a brick wall. Eventually, Kincade takes pity on him and tells Rizavi to shut up, but that doesn’t stop her from giving him knowing looks during Garrison meetings. Just to be insufferable, Leifsdottir makes a point of asking James if he’s thinking of Keith every time he zones out during a discussion. It doesn’t help that she’s usually right.

 _We’re soldiers in a war, and defending the Earth is our top priority_ , James tells himself, when he and Veronica break the rules to escort the Paladins on their poorly-conceived mission. He repeats that to himself as he devotes heart and soul to supporting the Paladins on their missions and ensuring that they emerge unscathed. He keeps his interactions with Keith to the bare minimum - anything that isn’t absolutely necessary goes unsaid. On his part, Keith doesn’t make any small talk either. James can’t tell if he’s relieved or disappointed.

The fact is, his relationship with Keith has always been an odd one. He’s known Keith for nearly a decade now; like the same end of two magnets, they’ve hovered in each others’ peripheral vision, every encounter pushing them further apart. A stickler for the rules and a chronic rule breaker, a polymathic hard worker and a singularly-focused prodigy, a scion of a wealthy family and an orphan fending for himself; it’s hard to imagine them being more different. Yet, hidden somewhere beneath the jealousy and angst and irritation, James always had a deep respect for the determination, independence, and loyalty that were quintessential to Keith’s character. After years of 'out of sight, out of mind', all those feelings came rushing back, so strong that it feels like they never left. That, when combined with no small amount of physical attraction, especially for the ‘new and improved’ Keith, was a recipe for disaster. Or at least a series of increasingly weird dreams.

Then, the reality of battle is right in his face and the possibility of losing his life seems to increase with every passing second. The vestiges of James’ mental capacity previously occupied by what is decidedly _not a crush_ get reallocated to helping out Voltron and Atlas, staying alive and keeping his team alive.   

Surprisingly, they survive the final battle, for the most part. Even more surprisingly, it’s Keith who approaches him first. James is doing a routine check on his fighter jet after a long day of supply deliveries - all alone since he’s the only one in the squadron who actually does them as often as he should. Keith saunters into the MFE’s hangar, straight out of James' daydreams.

“Uh, hey!” James manages, startled by the sudden appearance, “I… I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“We just got done with reconstruction on Sector 143,” Keith replies, “thought I’d come take a look at the MFEs. These are light years ahead of anything the garrison had when we were cadets.”

Now that’s a topic James can get on board with, “She’s a beauty, isn’t she? I’ve never flown anything with quicker response time.” He decides to extend an olive branch, regardless of how he's convinced that the same branch will most likely wrap around his neck and strangle him later. “Wanna give it a go?”

Keith’s smirk tugs at James heart, and he has to look away before he embarrasses himself.

“Now, you’ll need to be careful with the microthrusters,” James explains as they strap in and get ready for takeoff, “they stabilize the jet so you don’t get too much roll.”

In his typical fashion, Keith ignores everything that he was just told and sends them into an upwards spiral. James can’t even bring himself to get mad; not when Keith is doing tricks he’s never attempted before, within minutes of them leaving the ground. Making it seem almost effortless, Keith executes a chain complicated loops, rolls and dives in open defiance of gravity. Being a passenger in his own plane is a rather novel experience for James - he has no clue what the next move will be. At this point, he doesn’t even have a clue where ‘up’ is. It's only through years of practice and sheer determination that James doesn't lose his lunch.

Only when the control panel starts beeping to indicate that they’re running low on power does Keith gives up and starts heading back to the Atlas. By then, the sun is about to set, bathing the desert in warm, orange tones. Keith yanks off his helmet and turns back to face James, the grin wide across his face. “That was really fun! Both Black and Red are much faster, but they don't quite have as much agility or maneuverability. Thanks for letting me do this, Griffin.”

“It was my pleasure,” James replies, praying that Keith didn't see him shudder, “You should teach me that tailslide dive you did sometime, Kogane. Nearly gave me a heart attack when you cut the engine completely.”

Keith makes a face at that, “I still haven't gotten used to people calling me by my last name,” he says, “reminds me of my Garrison days when I was Iverson’s least favourite student.” _And when we both hated each other_ , he doesn't say.

“How about this: I’ll call you Keith if you’ll call me James.”  
  
Keith gives an abrupt nod in response and turns his attention to landing the MFE properly. They both hop off, still brimming with adrenaline and not quite steady on their feet. In the resulting banter, they schedule another flight session where Keith will borrow one of the other MFEs so that the can have a competition. James is perhaps a little too pleased with himself for arranging a definite meeting between the two of them, with none of the expected awkwardness, not to mention the added bonus of a chance to show off.  
  
Before Keith can leave and he loses his chance, James gathers all his courage and says what he's been meaning to say for all this while, “Hey, I know it was a long time ago, but I'm really sorry about what I said to you back then. It was cruel and uncalled for, and you had every right to punch me.”  
  
Keith looks surprised, but then his expression softens to a smile. “It's not a big deal. For what it's worth, I'm sorry for hitting you back then. We're both changed a lot, and it's best not to dwell on the mistakes of our past. You're a much better person than I ever thought you were, James. I…”  
  
He's cut of as the hangar doors slide open to reveal Commander Shirogane and the cosmic wolf. The wolf immediately teleports to Keith, and since James was standing too close, he becomes collateral damage in the assault of fur and sparkly space magic.  
  
“Kosmo!” Shirogane yells and hurries over to help James up. Keith is still buried under the overly enthusiastic wolf trying to cover his face in slobber. He laughs, and it's the most beautiful sound James has ever heard. In his peripheral vision, James notices that Shirogane is looking at Keith with a soft, adoring expression, the corners of his mouth quirked up just a tiny bit. Interesting. James wonders if he's anywhere as obvious with his affection as Shirogane.  
  
Kosmo finally relents and lets Keith stand. “How’d you know to find me here?” Keith asks Shirogane, who gives a little shrug.  
  
“I could spot your flying from a mile away,” he replies.  
  
The ensuing conversation is full of technical terms, inside references and a tad too much fondness for James to handle. He doesn't even realize that he's zoned out until Keith calls his name. "We're gonna take off first. Thanks again, James," ans with a wave, he's gone. Shirogane raises his arm in salute which James returns, and then he's all alone in the hangar.  
  
They don’t get to interact much for a while after that. It’s not that James doesn’t see Keith though; he’s essentially a celebrity now. For every hundred television appearances that he turns down, he’s still obligated to go for one or two. Not that James watches all his media appearances or anything like that. Sometimes, they’ll lock eyes across the room during meetings. Usually, James receives a nod of acknowledgment, but on rare occasion when the mood strikes, Keith offers a smile. James doesn’t even need to actively try to return the gesture.  
  
It’s almost a whole month before they get to hang out again; this time, James gets Keith’s schedule off Leifsdottir on pain of a lifetime of teasing, finds a time when Keith is free and invites him. The MFEs are all pretty much identical but James requests for Kincade’s, mostly because he doesn’t trust Rizavi not to bug her own fighter, and Leifsdottir has all kinds of strange modifications to her flight system. Keith seems to take to the borrowed aircraft without much issue. By James' request, they speed away to the other side of the globe, to one of the rare areas unmarred by either the Galra invasion or World War Three. At first, they’re testing out random flight maneuvers and trying to impress each other. After a while, they naturally synchronize, slowing down to a fraction of their maximum speed side by side and skimming the surface of the planet, watching as forest gives way to town, then city, then coast, then wide expanse of ocean. Neither of them need to say a word the entire time - James feels a connection to the other pilot, somewhat unlike what he feels with Rizavi or Kincade or Leifsdottir. James and Keith are not a team; they’re just two boys who got roped into a situation far greater than themselves, when all they ever wanted to do was fly.

They make it back to the Atlas on the last two percent of their MFE’s power. Keith doesn't even bat an eye, and James knows that Commander Iverson would probably faint if he ever found out. They don’t break eye contact as they strip out of their flight suits; Keith’s expression has never looked more relaxed, and James has never felt more connected to him. Like an asteroid that got too close to a planet, James finds himself on a collision course. They meet in the most tentative of kisses, and James feels the beginnings of a smile forming on Keith’s lips. Then, fingers are threading through his hair and Keith is yanking him forward, all the tension of the past days expressed through the passion and ferocity with which he kisses.

James isn’t too sure how they end up in Keith’s room after that; it’s all a blur. All he knows is that Keith is tugging at his shirt and they’re grinding against each other and did Keith just pick him up? Keith tosses him onto the bed, leaping up and straddling him moments later, nipping at his neck. At this point, James’ brain gives up trying to process the situation and shorts out, leaving his more basal instincts in charge. He traces his fingers over the exposed part of Keith’s back reverently, over the battle scars and the lithe muscle built over years of fighting. Keith shivers and shrugs off his shirt, offering James more access, which he takes advantage of to the best of his ability. He learns that Keith’s nipples are exceptionally sensitive, and that his eyes flash yellow when James does _that thing_ with his tongue. He also learns that Keith has a nearly superhuman stamina, but once he does come, he falls asleep almost immediately.

Not quite as fortunate in that regard, James ponders the mess of his life and wonders if Keith was just a little too eager; a little too enthusiastic. It’s a strange feeling, one that he can’t quite understand, but he can’t help but think that Keith didn’t so much want to have sex _with James_ that he wanted to have sex in general. James simply happened to be convenient and interested. His paranoid notion is confirmed when Keith wakes up, and the first thing he says is “Don’t tell anyone, okay?”

James agrees, even though it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. That doesn’t stop them from doing the exact same thing the next week, though. This time, Keith doesn’t fall asleep immediately after. He obliges James’ request and tells him about his adventures in outer space, about Voltron and the Blade of Marmora, and even the year he spent living in the desert. In return, James tells him about becoming a MFE pilot, about the Galra invasion, and even about the family he lost in the ensuing war. It almost feels like they’re a couple, except for the fact that James has to look both ways before leaving Keith’s room, and they don’t say a word to each other for the next two weeks.

Keith must have been more aggressive the second time because there are visible marks on James’ neck for days afterward, and the other MFE pilots give him so much grief he writes a formal resignation from the Garrison, walks halfway to Commander Iverson’s office before turning around and feeding the letter to the shredder.

 _This can’t go on_ , James tells himself as he sneaks out at night to meet up with Keith. _Something’s bound to happen_ , he thinks as they make out in the training room shower.

Ironically, when things do go sideways, it’s when they’re both in Keith’s bedroom, behind closed doors. Except Shirogane has access to the room, and of course, he struts in without bothering to knock. They’re both completely naked, Keith’s holding a condom in his left hand and has half his right in James’ mouth. There’s no non-homosexual explanation for the situation. James throws a blanket over them, cheeks burning from the embarrassment of being caught in a compromising situation by someone of way higher rank. Keith looks like his whole world is crumbling in front of his eyes.

Shirogane looks like his entire conception of existence just got spontaneously rearranged into a new configuration.

In that moment, all the puzzle pieces fit together, and James realizes how much of an idiot he’s been. Keith never stopped being in love with Shirogane. He just got better at hiding it, denying it to himself in an elaborate, self-destructive form of doublethink. His unusual enthusiasm was simply a need for a distraction, “don’t tell anyone” simply meant “don’t let Shiro know”, and his passion and intimacy nothing but a result of camaraderie and attraction. James had been nothing but collateral in the complicated, nigh incomprehensible love dance between Shirogane and Keith.

James weighs the unpleasantness of staying in the room against the unpleasantness of getting dressed in front of Commander Shirogane and reaches for his pants. By the time he’s pulled them up, decided to abandon his shirt, and made for the door, neither Keith nor Shirogane have said a single word. Before that can change, James flees.

Maybe he spends way more time than he should crying in his room. Maybe he does everything he can to avoid both Keith and Shirogane. Maybe he writes another resignation letter that he can't bring himself to submit. James thinks that no one would blame him, given the circumstances.

He doesn’t blame Keith, or at least, he tries not to. Keith never promised him anything but what they had at the moment. James toyed with his own emotions by building a complex mental tower of their relationship, and he only had himself to blame for it crashing down. He doesn’t know if Shirogane and Keith will get together in the future. Honestly? He doesn't really care; James might be an idiot, but he still has a limit. What he does know is that whatever the thing was between Keith and him, it’s over.  

If only he could forget it ever happened.


End file.
